why the hell am i so freakin happy?????

i seriously had a fun time. and believe it or not (this means you, yellow ducky) but i am still so happy to be me and living the life that i do. true, things happened to make me feel a little lost and a little sad. but those tears have already fallen from my eyes...i've moved on so quickly. does this mean that it was never true? was i just believing what i said because i could write it? or feel it? i think maybe. possibly, dreaming about him was more fun than being with him. that does kind of hurt me a little but i'm so wierd that as i write this, i'm actually smiling. and do you know why? it is because i love the person that i'm turning out to be. i'm more mature in my feelings and i can actually sit back and observe life, learn from it. i used to run inside of it and try to take control. you can't though, you know? life just sort of happens. that's why i'm watching, learning, but still participating in an un-trying-to-control-everything way. it's nice.

but seriously, the party was sooooo fun. omfg, gray bean, those movies were so sucky! i mean, it was one thing to just catch the end of them. but it was another that they were both so freakin stupid and bad! yeah, and i am so happy because i totally got hit on by guys. asked out too, but i declined. the thing with this guy (who shall remain from now on as "cid" cause he kinda looked like that kid from toy story) is that he was....um...well he was a.d.d. and half the time, i still thought that we were talking about the previous subject. he made me really uncomfertable, especially when he put his hand on my back (which was exposed because i was wearing a halter top which looked-shazam!). he asked me out and guess what honest little grace goes and says? lol, i should have been straight with him but i said,

"um, actually, i'm not allowed to date. my parents...REALLY strict, you know?" lol. then when he asked for my number, i told him that i couldn't give it out. geez, i should have just made my stupid stand partner happy and told him that i was amish. that would have worked except for the fact that i was wearing a colorful halter top, geans, had my hair all down and un-neat, and had been already called a hoe by several very bad boys that night in front of cid.

but then this other guy was also hitting on me and dan pinched me in the butt (which he totally payed for with some slaps-but it was hillarious and i didn't hit him too hard because i knew he was just joking). plus, me 'n' mikey got into several hitting contests which was fun and i totally have some bruises from where he was hitting me, near my knee and on my upper arm. he better have some too because i was hitting pretty hard and a lot, like him, lol. the fact that it sort of ended in tears is irrelivant. i have already dealt with that and i'm picking up the pieces. true, it was depressing, but i live with things like this. i really have moved on. truly, deeply, i have. no lie. and you know what's messed up? i'm so happy STILL!!!!

WiTHouT...bUT NEeDed?

if i lost my love


was love ever lost?


and if it was ever there


then where is it now?


is it so bad for me to change...


so quickly, whithout warning?


but is it because of you?


or do i really feel this way?


i wish to hurt no others


and if i hurt him because of you


than it will hurt me more than any...

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old fashioned, happy, and dancing with fish!!

chucka chucka wungaa!!!!! i am so thrilled to be alive right now!!! i just might be the happiest person in the world, no, universe right now!!! and do you know why? well, would you tell me, because i have no clue!!! for some reason, these past few days i have just been so happy and cheerful. seriously, i'm scaring all my friends at work. they are all, "grace, wtf is wrong with you? you're way too chipper for this job!" which is ironic because my job is the best job ever!!! seriously, i love my days off and all, but i'm actually a little sad that i'm not working today. i just miss all the cool stuff that i get to do. so, my life has been made happier since the latest update of me finally getting aim! i talked to my crush the other night and though he didn't confess his (of course) undying and eternal love for me (which i'm sure he will soon, lol) he did talk to me a lot and gave me a sort of compliment. i am dropping tons of clues because i want him to ask me out. see...i'm not one of those girls who will go to a boy and ask for their number, call them and talk for 7 hours a day (even if the guy doesn't wanna talk that long), and them chase ruthlessly after them untill they finally agree to go out with me as long as i stop following them everywhere they go and tell the detective that i have hired to watch him that he is no longer of use to me and that i have finally ensnared the guy of my dreams, or whatever. i'm a little old fasioned. and boy am i proud of it! if a guy thinks that i'm gonna chase after him than he's not worth my time. he can ask me to a movie. he can ask for my number. he can call me and talk about star wars (which he has to be a fan of) for as long as he wants. i'm just old fashioned.

part of the reason that i'm really happy, however, is that tonight i'm going to an overnight party! it's going to be soooooo much fun! i already know that a lot of my friends are gonna be there. there's gonna be a dance and a squirt gun fight and other assorted awesomeness things that i cannot wait to take part in! seeing all my friends and hanging out with them will be so much fun, though i will miss all my home schooling friends. people of interest to me will be there as well...hint hint....lol. but i have decided that i have got to tone down my crush and just enjoy the time that i have to spend with him. in the mean time, i'll just become a really good friend...then...when he confesses his undying and everlasting love to me, i'll know that i can trust this good friend of mine!!!

so long and thanks for all the fish!!!

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not again

no

i won't let myself be hurt so much again

i'll just deny him my affection

i won't seek him out anymore

hurting myself is a useless thing

so useless and so painful

i will not let this happen to me again

i will stop before i am cut

before i bleed

before my love is torn from my breast

and thrown onto the floor to be mocked and laughed at

i refuse to like him

i refuse to like him

i refuse to like him

i refuse to like him

i refuse to like him

i refuse to like him

i refuse to like him


















but i love him so much, all the same.

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